In Case You Were Wondering….

In case you were wondering, we also had a father. That handsome man is our father, Harvey, and although he was not a tall man, he was a giant in our eyes. As much as Mom influenced our upbringing with her easy going approach to parenting, ( ie. it was often worth your while to argue and push back), Dad was the steady, firm and sometimes maddeningly stubborn hand on the wheel. His was the ultimate and final authority. “Wait until your father gets home” was enough to bring absolute silence on our part.

Although this blog is about Mom, we have just marked the 8th anniversary of Dad’s passing so it’s the perfect time to introduce him to you and the perfect time for some reflection on our part.

Google Guy

When we were young, I don’t think any of us realized how intelligent our father was. By the time we reached our late teens, however, it became obvious that Dad was an encyclopedia of knowledge. He was our Mr. Google before Google was even invented.

Particularly in adulthood, if we had a question or a problem, Dad was our “Go To Guy.” If he didn’t have an answer, he usually had a suggestion that would get us started on a solution. Even after Google was invented, we would often go to Dad first, because his advice was generally practical and there was always a useful tidbit to take away from the conversation.

Speaking of conversations, it was fascinating to watch Dad participate in one. Although he was an introvert, he was truly remarkable in his ability to converse with almost anyone on almost any topic, in an intelligent manner. He was the classic example of someone who knew a little about a lot of things….and this in spite of only a Grade 10 education. Apparently he qualified for Mensa…..something that we only learned from Mom.

It is a testament to Dad’s intelligence that his advice was also valued by his grandchildren. Once he had safely steered his children to independence, he took on a mentor role with his grandchildren. They all respected his guidance, thoughtful approach to their questions and his interest in their activities.

We’re All Getting a Post Secondary Education

I assume that it was because he wasn’t able to complete his education, that he was so adamant we all have a Post Secondary education. It was not optional, and we all adhered to the “party line.” My siblings and I are all self supporting, law abiding, and not surprisingly, “educated”. 🙂 Although we probably didn’t appreciate the pressure at the time, it remains Dad’s legacy and gift to us that he persisted in his pursuit of our higher education.

Mr. Self Discipline

Dad was employed by one company almost all of his working life. Of course, that was back in the dark ages when it was still possible to do so. He started at the bottom and worked his way up to the position of Vice President of the company. He was a very hard working, self disciplined, Type A personality. That is not to say that he was all work and no play. The working environment of the time meant that you were expected to socialize after work and he was a champion at that particular activity. It’s unfortunate that he was a smoker, however, because that in combination with his Type A tendencies, ultimately led to serious heart problems.

Mr. Clean

As relaxed as Mom’s approach to household cleaning was, Dad’s was best described as fastidious. There was no room for an indifferent or halfhearted effort. Saturday mornings were reserved for this activity and we were all expected to participate enthusiastically. I suspect that this might have been the highlight of Dad’s week, as you could usually hear him whistling away while he worked.

Dad’s Type A personality sometimes led him to extremes of behavior. We all have clear memories of Dad down on his hands and knees raking a few last areas of the shag carpet with a fork, and down on his hands and knees using a steam iron on carpet areas that were indented due to the pressure of a chair leg. His passion for perfection extended to both the yard and any car he ever owned. The cars were always spotless and the yard always manicured. (Apparently, there was only ever one way to mow a lawn and it was Dad’s way.) Did I mention that he was Type A, perhaps with a few OCD tendencies?

Coffee and Newspapers

I’m not sure if retirement was difficult for Dad. He was a very proud and private man. I do know that he took his penchant for self discipline and routine right on into retirement. His morning routine never varied. He and Mom would go to the Mall for Walking Club which would be followed by coffee with their fellow walkers. Then a Starbucks to go and it was home to spend the next few hours listening to radio talk shows and reading the three newspapers that agreed with his political philosophy. Right up to the end, Dad would relish a conversation around the news of the day and would usually outdo us with his cogent, astute observations.

Retirement also afforded him the time to organize their affairs and what a marvel of planning and forethought it was! The key was the famous green binder. It included a detailed inventory of their assets and key information that would prove invaluable to settling their estate. It was obvious that Dad tried to make it as easy as possible for us once he passed.

Driving with Dad

Driving with Harvey could be a life altering experience. 🙂 We used to give him a bad time about his particular driving style, which was “get as close as you can to the car in front of you and then slam on the brakes”. Our spouses all have a “driving with dad”, life threatening story to tell. Mag’s husband in particular was so nervous when Dad was driving that he had to roll down the window to calm his nerves and keep from vomiting. Dad would just laugh off our suggestions to slow down. He truly thought he was an excellent driver.

When Irish Eyes Are Smiling

Dad had a beautiful singing voice and he loved to sing along, particularly with his sister Alannah, who was equally talented. They would sing every Irish song they knew and harmonize beautifully. We all have fond memories of the “sounds of music” filling the kitchen.

The End is Drawing Near

Once Dad’s health began to deteriorate, he became fiercely protective of his independence. When he finally realized that he would have to give up driving, (and that took a lot of effort on our part), he contemplated getting a recumbent bike, so fearful was he of becoming reliant on others. He was always very appreciative of our help, but equally reluctant to ask for it. His reply to our pleas or suggestions was pretty much always, “I’ll take it under advisement,” which of course meant he would ignore the idea completely.

As is always the case, when a loved one has passed, we have regrets. It’s just human nature. Dad’s heart condition led to several health complications. but he never complained. I think he wanted life to carry on as usual, so he suffered in silence. Its only now, looking back that we realize how mercilessly uncomfortable he must have been. This was typical Dad, not wanting to be the focus of attention.

Although our blog is about Mom, Dad is equally responsible for who we are today. He was a quiet, unassuming, modest man but his legacy is powerful and enduring. The lessons he taught us are our compass in life and it is a testament to his guidance that we all at some point find ourselves wishing that he was still here. Miss you Dad.

We plan to publish a new post every Monday, so stayed tuned for our next one entitled “The Invisible Older Woman”